Liberal parents and mental health

By the way, the intersection of the Internet and reality is also at play here.

This board is practically a monument to white, conservative grievance. If I didn’t know you all in real life, I’d assume you live the most unhappy lives possible. But you don’t. And your kids don’t. Because this isn’t real life.

If everyone I know was how they present themselves online, I’d shoot myself.

But also anything that makes a kid feel unsafe, and insecure is going to hurt them. 

And, I think that some parents do scare their kids about the fate of the world, and share fears about the world that kids shouldn't be burdened with, and aren't prepared to process. 

So, I think that a few of the things that upset @mistercreosote are things that I didn't say, or mean to imply. 

Things like autism, bipolar, and other mental illnesses are certainly brain chemistry issues that aren't avoidable, regardless of how "well" you parent. 

And, brain chemistry, and genetics can make someone more susceptible to things like depression and addiction. 

You are certainly no more responsible for your son's autism than my wife or I are responsible for my daughter's birth defect. 

(Though, I will tell you, that we were approached by a fellow traveller prior to takeoff on our return flight home from (our notorious vacation to) Paris. He had noticed our daughter's feeding tube, and inquired about it. He turned out to be some big shot doctor at the Children's Wisconsin Hospital in Milwaukee. After we told her what Fiona's issue, he said, unprompted, that he wanted my wife to know that nothing she did, or did not do, during her pregnancy was responsible for the birth defect. Now, I knew that, but for my wife, just hearing this guy say this brought her a wave of relief that she did not expect. And, while she also know this, I think there's a part of us that will always hold ourselves responsible for our kids struggles. Anyway...) 

But general mental health is something that we can work on, and that is influenced by our surroundings, our parenting, and all kinds of things. 

I think we all know that a parent who tells a kid he's a failure, or that will the child will never amount to anything, is a bad parent, and would undoubtedly damage a kid's mental health. 

But also anything that makes a kid feel unsafe, and insecure is going to hurt them. 

And, I think that some parents do scare their kids about the fate of the world, and share fears about the world that kids shouldn't be burdened with, and aren't prepared to process. 

Do more liberals do this than conservatives? I don't know. Sounds like we all think the "other side" is more messed up. 

Being a parent is the most terrifying, and rewarding, job ever. 

I think there are some common sense things you an do, but I don't think I have all of the answers, and certainly don't have all the answers for all of the various situations that can arise. 

Even something like “rule-bound, disciplined parenting” might mean something very different to your ears than mine. 

I'm obviously not advocating beating the shit out of a kid. 

I think it's just about setting expectations, and guidelines, and enforcing them. 

Kids need discipline. How discipline is delivered can be very different. 

There are no perfect answers. There are lots of bad answers. 

And, I think we all probably know families who, at least from outward appearances, and based on the mental health of siblings, look to have done everything right, and have still lost a child to suicide. 

I know several, and I can't imagine the heartbreak, or even the self blame, even though it would not be warranted. 

The most important thing I think we can do is to be good role models. To be optimistic, and confident. To be loving and warm. To be open and honest, and to talk about hard things. 

To give a child structure and discipline, but to never allow them to fear you. To let them know they can always come to you with their fears, troubles, and concerns, and that you will always support them. 

(In some ways, my dad, who was strict and serious, scared the crap out of me, but I also always knew that if I was in actual trouble, I could go to him for help.) 

Anyway, I was mostly looking to stir up a discussion, and wasn't meaning to accuse anyone here of being anything less than a good and loving parent. 

I think sometimes the best parents are the most sensitive, because they are the most invested, and are trying the hardest. 

It's kinda hard to not have arguments like this when "having a real conversation" involves starting with my priors and maintaining my values tradeoff throughout (otherwise it's trolling, or indulging white male grievance, or fear porn, etc.). Dismissing information because it got reported on in outlet Y (or not in outlet Z) ain't exactly Chautauqua-Like, either.

Having said that, I weighed in with regards to the reactions to the piece -- "The Washington Examiner!" ... "bias!" ... "no validity!" -- not the piece itself.