Women's 2019 big kick-the-ball tournament

. , I got your fan letter yesterday and got here as fast as I could. You seemed so upset! (It still thrills me that little boys, 20 years after the World Cup, write to me.) While me, Nomar, and the gals from the team appreciate the support, it is probably time to let you in on a dirty little secret: Those of us who play soccer? We also think it's kind of lame!

1. Nobody ever scores. Those of us who play the Beautiful Game feel like this is a downright troll of fans like yourself, who will twist themselves into pretzels to defend it, saying things like, "The lack of scoring is what makes it so great - goals at a premium!" News flash: It doesn't make it great. It makes it a snooze fest. Would you watch a movie where nothing happened? Of course you wouldn't, unless you were a film student! Privately, we've been saying for years they should make the goals bigger. Or even eliminate the goalies. (And who wouldn't want to eliminate Han Solo, amiright?)

2. Extra time is an antiquated rule. There is no other sport in which it is a state secret what time the game ends. Stop defending it!

3. Most of us play soccer because we couldn't make a real team. I went out for volleyball, softball, and basketball myself, and got cut in all of them. So soccer it was! Privately, we all talk about how Misty May-Treanor would dominate if she ever hit the pitch. One of these days, the real athletes will catch on, and it will be to-the-YMCA for the rest of us sad sacks.

4. It's not a "kit." It's a "uniform."

5. It's a total gay sport. Robbie Rogers. Meghan Rapinoe. Those guys are fags! David Beckham isn't queer, but he's a queer icon. Don't believe me? Look at how many of the male players have long hair. Two of the USWNT players are married to each other! 

Well, James, that's about all I have for now. Thank you for defending us. Thank your parents, for me, for keeping the memories of (our overblown but nevertheless widely viewed) triumph alive. And, most of all, keep all of this between us!

Your friend,

Mia

. , I got your fan letter yesterday and got here as fast as I could. You seemed so upset! (It still thrills me that little boys, 20 years after the World Cup, write to me.) While me, Nomar, and the gals from the team appreciate the support, it is probably time to let you in on a dirty little secret: Those of us who play soccer? We also think it's kind of lame!

1. Nobody ever scores. Those of us who play the Beautiful Game feel like this is a downright troll of fans like yourself, who will twist themselves into pretzels to defend it, saying things like, "The lack of scoring is what makes it so great - goals at a premium!" News flash: It doesn't make it great. It makes it a snooze fest. Would you watch a movie where nothing happened? Of course you wouldn't, unless you were a film student! Privately, we've been saying for years they should make the goals bigger. Or even eliminate the goalies. (And who wouldn't want to eliminate Han Solo, amiright?)

2. Extra time is an antiquated rule. There is no other sport in which it is a state secret what time the game ends. Stop defending it!

3. Most of us play soccer because we couldn't make a real team. I went out for volleyball, softball, and basketball myself, and got cut in all of them. So soccer it was! Privately, we all talk about how Misty May-Treanor would dominate if she ever hit the pitch. One of these days, the real athletes will catch on, and it will be to-the-YMCA for the rest of us sad sacks.

4. It's not a "kit." It's a "uniform."

5. It's a total gay sport. Robbie Rogers. Meghan Rapinoe. Those guys are fags! David Beckham isn't queer, but he's a queer icon. Don't believe me? Look at how many of the male players have long hair. Two of the USWNT players are married to each other! 

Well, James, that's about all I have for now. Thank you for defending us. Thank your parents, for me, for keeping the memories of (our overblown but nevertheless widely viewed) triumph alive. And, most of all, keep all of this between us!

Your friend,

Mia